April 23, 2019 ~ My Missing Adverbs

There are five basic examples of adverbs in the English language as we know them. They answer the questions of how, why, when, where and degree (level of intensity). I do not like often I now respond with “I don’t know”.

What time is Theo coming up? I don’t know? Is he coming up tonight? I don’t know. Did you talk to him today? We texted. Did he say? Let me check the texts.

Does Kyra work this week? I don’t know. She hasn’t said? I don’t know. Are you keeping the kids any this week? I don’t know. Are they coming tomorrow? I don’t know.

How much longer before Timmy and his family arrive? I didn’t know they were coming! Aren’t they coming the end of May? I don’t know. I’ll check my calendar. Yes! They are coming the end of May, so we’ll need to plan out a menu. We already have one. Want me to send it to you? Yes, please.

How do I start this new coffee pot? It’s not new. We bought it several months ago. Here, I’ll show you how. How do I work this new coffee pot? I showed you yesterday. I’ll show you again. How do I start this new coffee pot?

Why are you dressed like that? I have to go to work. Why are you wearing that instead of your jeans? I have to go to work. I haven’t seen those shoes for a while. I wear them usually to work.

How long do you boil eggs? 3 minutes. Then let them set for 15 before peeling. I boiled eggs. How long did you boil them for? I don’t know. Maybe 20. Is that long enough? You’ll probably want to toss those and boil more.

Where are you going? To work.

Where are you going? To work.

Do you work every day? Monday through Friday.

Theo is going to Hawaii. Does that make you want to go to Hawaii now? Nope. Why would you ask that? I know when your friend came to visit you said you never wanted to fly over the ocean and I thought since Theo is going to maybe that changed your mind. When was she here? I think last week. I don’t think so. We’re going to make plans but not yet. I think you did, Sis. Hmmm, I’ll check. Was she here last week? Oh, he went to work. Who? Tim. I can’t ask him because he works Mondays. Today is Tuesday. Oh. Tim? Tim? No, he’s not here. He must work Tuesdays, too.

What are we doing for dinner tonight? I don’t know. Do you have anything planned? No, do you? I can. Wanna go out for dinner? Yes, but no. Okay. Why yes? Because I don’t have anything planned. Why no? I don’t know. I think I don’t like being near strangers so much anymore.

I need to go get my shower. You took one already. I did? Yes. Ok.

Are you going to get your shower? I already took one. Not today. Are you sure? Yes. Ok. I guess I need to go get a shower. Why did you put the same outfit back on. I didn’t. Yes, that was what you had on yesterday. Ok. I didn’t know.

What happened here? I don’t know. I mopped the floor. Oh. I’ll clean it up.

I cleaned the bathroom today. I noticed and it looks very nice. I couldn’t find the lysol, though. It’s under the sink where you always keep it. Ok. I’ll clean again tomorrow.

Each of the above paragraphs is a piece of my life now. So many things I no longer know. So many pieces missing. Important things and events just vanish. It makes me sad and mad. I think I should still remember some things but they have gone like yesterday’s clouds. Gone, never to return? Or some spark some day some part of a memory floating along the edge while I fight to bring it in closer. To inspect it. To let it sift through the fingers of time. To find a small glimpse of the woman, the wife, the mother, the grandmother I used to be. The Grammy that walked her babies to the corner store for a snack in the afternoon. The mother that played quarterback for her home team. The wife who encouraged and pushed and fed and cleaned for her beloved husband. The person who was a nurturer, a teacher, an author. The woman who had lots of spunk and sass and defended those she loved. The woman who was never at loss for words or ideas or inspiration.

I wonder if I should hold a memorial service for her. I am sad that she has drifted away from me and left me alone to deal with this new me. The one who can’t find what she’s looking for. The one who can’t remember if it’s the day we go to church. The one who no longer remembers the birth of her grandchildren and is getting fuzzy on the births of her children. The one who now nods and smiles as though she knows what happened, how it happened, when it happened, why it happened and just how intense it all was at the time. When in actuality her mind is asking, “What the fire are you talking about? I never knew that! I never saw her. I never said that. I wasn’t there!”

And how on earth do I introduce myself. “Hi. I’m Karla. AKA Know ya today, forget ya tomorrow. I guess you could say I’m a love ’em and leave ’em gal, these days. I wish I could do something for you, but sadly I will forget to do it, so I no longer offer to do anything. Yup, that’s me. I wish you had known me a few years ago. I think we might have been friends because I think you would have liked me then. I can tell by the massive confusion on your face when we speak now, that you’re not so sure. But trust me, we would have been friends!”

This entry was posted in Alzheimer's, Finding Your Way, Grief Living, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to April 23, 2019 ~ My Missing Adverbs

  1. i certainly like you NOW, Karla. What a wonderfully real entry. says it perfectly 😀
    — Tru 😀

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