The sorrow sweeps in like the ocean’s waves as the day’s moments wander into the eve. Ever-closer, encroaching on my protected heart, bringing stinging pain from memories held dear and future moments to ne’er be treasured.
My mind is awash with thoughts of my beloved husband, so precious and loving. Truly, the sweetest and most precious gift of my life. He is the one who taught me what love feels like, look like and how it truly behaves at all times. Through him, I learned how beautifully a relationship can fill your very soul. How can it be that I will ever leave him behind? Sorrow. Deep, dark, pooling sorrow.
My three babies have lit up my life. They are the very definition of Joy in motherhood. Each of them have brought something that is living, breathable, tangible. The very thought of them brings a flood of sensation for which I really have no words. It is an aching deep within me that cries out for more time, more hugs, more laughter. They will never know how much they have pushed me to be a better person, resulting in becoming the best mother I could be for them, amidst my many missteps.
Seven grandchildren, so far, and I never weary watching them and I dearly love that moment when they crawl onto my lap for a sweet nap. Age does not matter. Whomever wants to sit with me, can so so. They are each so perfect for me. They completely fill every nook and cranny in my already full heart.
Even though we can’t all seem to get together in the same place sometimes, we thoroughly enjoy the times we are in one another’s presence. We always make our favorite dishes, play games, watch fav movies, and spend hours laughing through precious and hilarious moments consisting of the opening phrase, “Do you remember when?”
When darkness overtakes the waning daylight hours, I wonder about the moments to come. Fear claws at my throat. Tears come in the silence of unspoken longings. Longing to see my husband’s face every day for another forty plus years. Aching to be able to hold him every day and comb his hair with my fingers. Oh, how I love him.
Pain seizes my muscles as I feel the need to hug my children and never let go. Words lump together in my throat. Words that I want, need to say, but know they may never be able to hear. I don’t want to bring them to this desperate place in my mind. I may never see them step into some of their most glorious days to come. I am so proud of each of them and where they are at this point in time, but I know the best is yet to come.
And, have mercy. My Baby Grands. How they thrill me with their voices, their hugs, their texts, their laughter. How they break me with their tears and their fears. I have only seen two of them graduate high school, with five more coming over the next very short years. I may never see any one of them marry or have their own babies – great-grandchildren that I will most likely never hold or hear their cry or first giggle.
I have failed so many times. Not just stumbling, but flat out face-planting. Letting down God and everyone I hold dear. There are no do-overs in this life. We cannot travel back in time and change our history.
Dear God. Calm the waves washing over me, seeking to drown my hope for everything in the future.
“How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.” Psalm 13
I share all of this with you for this one reason. If you are ever, God forbid, facing days such as these, look back over your life and realize just how faithful God has been. This is the lesson we learn from the Psalmist David. He went through some terribly dark days, mostly brought about by sin in his life, yet he always found his way back to the point of praise and worship. While there are no do-overs, there is always the ‘do-better’. We cannot change our history, but we can strive to make whatever time God allows on this earth, count for good. My past is littered with mistakes and implosions and washouts. Yet, God has loved me and continued to call me to straighten things up. To pursue that which is good. To pursue HIM.
While my prayers are filled with pleas for so much more time here on earth, and yes, miracles do still happen, I must focus on the fact that my hope is in HIM. I do not know how much time I have left, but HE does. I am trusting HIM to continue to be the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. Show me, Lord, every step of the way exactly where you want me to be and let YOUR light shine on the direction in which YOU want me to be moving.
Lord, My heart’s sorrow seems to be without end right now. I am in the grip of a grief I have never known. Yet, while my heart is overwhelmed, I will remember all that YOU are and all YOU have done. I will forever be grateful for every breath and every day. Amen.
I love you! but Jesus loves you even more!!