My Heart’s Sorrow

The sorrow sweeps in like the ocean’s waves as the day’s moments wander into the eve. Ever-closer, encroaching on my protected heart, bringing stinging pain from memories held dear and future moments to ne’er be treasured.

My mind is awash with thoughts of my beloved husband, so precious and loving. Truly, the sweetest and most precious gift of my life. He is the one who taught me what love feels like, look like and how it truly behaves at all times. Through him, I learned how beautifully a relationship can fill your very soul. How can it be that I will ever leave him behind? Sorrow. Deep, dark, pooling sorrow.

My three babies have lit up my life. They are the very definition of Joy in motherhood. Each of them have brought something that is living, breathable, tangible. The very thought of them brings a flood of sensation for which I really have no words. It is an aching deep within me that cries out for more time, more hugs, more laughter. They will never know how much they have pushed me to be a better person, resulting in becoming the best mother I could be for them, amidst my many missteps.

Seven grandchildren, so far, and I never weary watching them and I dearly love that moment when they crawl onto my lap for a sweet nap. Age does not matter. Whomever wants to sit with me, can so so. They are each so perfect for me. They completely fill every nook and cranny in my already full heart.

Even though we can’t all seem to get together in the same place sometimes, we thoroughly enjoy the times we are in one another’s presence. We always make our favorite dishes, play games, watch fav movies, and spend hours laughing through precious and hilarious moments consisting of the opening phrase, “Do you remember when?”

When darkness overtakes the waning daylight hours, I wonder about the moments to come. Fear claws at my throat. Tears come in the silence of unspoken longings. Longing to see my husband’s face every day for another forty plus years. Aching to be able to hold him every day and comb his hair with my fingers. Oh, how I love him.

Pain seizes my muscles as I feel the need to hug my children and never let go. Words lump together in my throat. Words that I want, need to say, but know they may never be able to hear. I don’t want to bring them to this desperate place in my mind. I may never see them step into some of their most glorious days to come. I am so proud of each of them and where they are at this point in time, but I know the best is yet to come.

And, have mercy. My Baby Grands. How they thrill me with their voices, their hugs, their texts, their laughter. How they break me with their tears and their fears. I have only seen two of them graduate high school, with five more coming over the next very short years. I may never see any one of them marry or have their own babies – great-grandchildren that I will most likely never hold or hear their cry or first giggle.

I have failed so many times. Not just stumbling, but flat out face-planting. Letting down God and everyone I hold dear. There are no do-overs in this life. We cannot travel back in time and change our history.

Dear God. Calm the waves washing over me, seeking to drown my hope for everything in the future.

“How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;

Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.

I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.” Psalm 13

I share all of this with you for this one reason. If you are ever, God forbid, facing days such as these, look back over your life and realize just how faithful God has been. This is the lesson we learn from the Psalmist David. He went through some terribly dark days, mostly brought about by sin in his life, yet he always found his way back to the point of praise and worship. While there are no do-overs, there is always the ‘do-better’. We cannot change our history, but we can strive to make whatever time God allows on this earth, count for good. My past is littered with mistakes and implosions and washouts. Yet, God has loved me and continued to call me to straighten things up. To pursue that which is good. To pursue HIM.

While my prayers are filled with pleas for so much more time here on earth, and yes, miracles do still happen, I must focus on the fact that my hope is in HIM. I do not know how much time I have left, but HE does. I am trusting HIM to continue to be the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. Show me, Lord, every step of the way exactly where you want me to be and let YOUR light shine on the direction in which YOU want me to be moving.

Lord, My heart’s sorrow seems to be without end right now. I am in the grip of a grief I have never known. Yet, while my heart is overwhelmed, I will remember all that YOU are and all YOU have done. I will forever be grateful for every breath and every day. Amen.

I love you! but Jesus loves you even more!!

This entry was posted in Finding Your Way, Grief Living, Knowing Jesus, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to My Heart’s Sorrow

  1. MCCASKILL says:

    You’re in my thoughts and prayers always…Been missing you so much…You’ve always seemed like another sister (I’ve never met in person) but as if I’ve known you always. I came to love you and your family and watching them grow…they are all so precious. You and Tim, both, have been such inspirations to me…Love you and your family always and forever…I will never forget you, Spunky Unger…Love, hugs, and prayers… (prayers for my flight to Finland for Dec. 7th. finally going to meet my 7 month old grand-daughter, Hanna.) Thank you for all that you have done for all of us girls on FB. We truly miss your beautiful face ❤

    • Karla Unger says:

      Thank you, Miss Carol. I have missed you, too. I am so thrilled that you are winging your way to meet the newest angel, Hanna. Praying for a beautiful family time for ya’ll and safe travels. Be well and blessed! I love you!!

  2. “In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can’t see”. While reading about the love that Tim has shown to you, I could not help but think of what love you have shown me. Those things that Tim showed to you and you learned about real love from him. . .You in turn passed them along to me over the years. I am sure you have done as much for others as well, probably more than you will ever realize. You and your family have shown the love of Christ – taught how HE loves, shown HIS love – taught others (at least me) how to, in turn do the same. What a legacy of the love the two of you have shared and will both leave behind – some day – whenever God decides that HE wants you there with HIM. What a Beautiful and tangible Legacy for your children and grands!! As for possibly never seeing the great grands, just think of the legacy of love that will go forth to generation after generation, because you were able to overcome and learn to love and be loved. Dear Lord, if we could all have such a sweet legacy to leave behind! To know that those blessings will continue for generations to come because of your obedience to HIM and HIS ways and teaching those to your family? Wow! There are so many things that I just cannot bring myself to say, or write, as I would quite literally cry for hours on end if I did. But, you know how much I love you, at least I hope that you do. I am praying and asking our Father to quiet the sorrows of your heart my friend, in only a way that HE can. Oh Father, give her the strength to face the things she cannot change, the ability to find immense joy and laughter in the moments that she can. Oh God, the One and only True and Living God, speak Peace over her heart! As well as the heart of those that Love and treasure her so very much!

  3. ginnygurl says:

    Hi Karlagurl,
    It breaks my heart to have read this. I’m in total despair over the fact that you are having to deal with this. The not knowing, the unanswered questions, the sorrow. I’m just crushed. I love you so much. I’m never going to forget you. The laughs we had were side splitting. I laughed so hard my sides hurt and my jaw was in agony from the smiles. We shared some really good threads on FB. We shared some really good times, bc everything about you is good. You are the most admired person I have ever known. I looked up to you for encouragement and it was always given. And still is even as I read about the heart wrenching sorrow you are enduring. You still found it in your heart to praise God in the midst of this. You never ceased to amaze me with your wit and charm. Your love for God is what I want for my own relationship with Him. I will never have your strength and desire tho. That’s okay, I’m doing pretty good where I’m at. Batting a thousand so far! You are too I see. You have so much love and joy all around you to cherish. I’m just thrilled for you that you find happiness in your life. You are an amazing woman of God. He loves you so much! He has given you the wisdom of a 90 year old at your beautiful young age. I am so touched by today’s reading. I will forever hold you close to my thoughts. I do think about you so often and that’s why it hurts me so much that you have to live like this. Yet you find just the right words to make it seem alright. I am so proud of you for hanging in there like a trooper! You make God proud! I will continue to pray that God gives you peace and comfort. Always and forever. And I pray that he Blesses you with sweet relief from any pain or suffering you are having. I am floored at the love you and Tim share. What an awesome life the two of you have made! Like Deb said, your legacy will live on throughout generations because of your love for your family and friends. Thank you for letting me be a part of this. Although it hurts, I would much rather be here than back in the days wondering how you were getting along. When your children invited me to your blog I cried tears of joy and sadness at the same time. I will be forever grateful to God for placing you in my life when He did. I was broken, and your friendship brought me out of my shell into a life I’d never imagined I could have. The magic of your beautiful smile… I will never forget. Until next time whether it be in reality or in spirit, I have treasured this reading and the time I got to spend replying to your thoughts. Thank you for sharing them with us. So much love and prayers and virtual hugs. ❤ {{{{{ Karla }}}}} ❤

    • Karla Unger says:

      Thank you for your beautiful, heart-felt comments, Ginnygurl. You are becoming quite the writer yourself. You provoked many good memories of our shared friendship over the years. You have always stuck with me, which I appreciate so much and love you for even more. Thank you for being a wonderful friend and for all the many prayers you have offered up on our behalf. Much love coming at ya!

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