I have never been one to blog or even write about suffering on a daily basis except during my battle with cancer. It was a journey which I openly shared with my friends and family. The frustration, the pain, the nausea, even questioning God in my heart and mind, was written down in effort to help someone, anyone, to know and understand it was alright to experience it internally and physically. Thank God, I am still in remission from that beast.
I blogged during the months I went through five separate joint replacements. Again, the frustration, pain, constantly depending on others, out there for all to see and hopefully benefit in some way, knowing they are not alone in the daily vicissitudes of life. I went through the valleys of restorations and the harshest mountain-climbing, I was up and down like a yo-yo, but God remained faithful, moment to moment. ALWAYS! That was my daily message of encouragement to all. No matter what, HE is faithful. HIS grace is sufficient! ALWAYS!!
And now this? This? Mmmmm, this! This diagnosis is fatal. It took me six months to actually think the words. My grandfather died because of this one. My mother passed, fighting every moment for her next breath. My beloved sister (aka: Seeser) struggles with the same. Every doctor tells you the same. Every website tells you the same. “We can help you manage, but there is no cure.”
It would actually be quicker to tell you the health issues I “don’t” have than to share the lengthy list of “dos”. I was positive as a child, believing some day things would be better. I was abused in more ways than I care to mention in this blog. But always focused on the future. Some day, I would marry a man so completely different from every man I knew to this point, and he would teach me about love. I would have children and dreamed of being their protector, their Mama Bear on steroids. I dreamed of a life without pain and sorrow. I dreamed of being a survivor!
However, God saw something different for me. HE gave me the husband of my dreams. My Love, my Life, my Rock, my Joy. God blessed me further with three amazingly beautiful, talented, loving children. And Baby Grands!! Oh my! Yes, God has been faithful and loving and constant every step, every day. Through every surgery. Through every tumor. Through every fall. Through every failure, which have been myriad. And now, through every breath to my last. Through every thang! HE has assured me, the day will come, when I struggle no more! And I am at peace with that knowledge. It saddens me, absolutely. But it gives me a source of peace that I desperately need.
There is an old song by Murrell and Joan Ewing from their album “the good times” that goes;
“So you prayed a prayer that HE didn’t answer? At least not the way you wanted HIM to. You saw a toy you couldn’t have and you cried, ‘Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. What will I do?’
Write it all down, every time Jesus fails you. Write every time, HE lets you down. And when your book is all done what will there be? Just empty pages, with nothing to read.
All of the books in the world could not contain all of the miracles of power done in HIS name. No one has counted the tears Jesus has dried. You’ll never tell all of HIS love, even if you try.
Write it all down, every time Jesus fails you. Write every time, HE lets you down. And when your book is all done what will there be? Just empty pages, with nothing to read.“
I used to sing this song as a solo when we traveled to different churches. I understood the words clearly and it was my anthem. Now? Truly the song of my heart!
I always had hope in the future. I knew whatever I was going through, dealing with, had a cure, or at least a possible cure, and I believed in and experienced many miracles in my own life. Here’s the thang. Your hope is not in this world, not of this world. Your hope should be cemented in the knowledge that no matter what your future holds, HE holds your future in HIS loving hands. HE saw your beginning from the end, when HE created you. So HE knew everything you would ever go through when HE formed you in your mother’s womb. HE had the perfect plan for your life and all HE needs from you is trust.
No matter what you are coping with on a daily basis, HE is with you. HE will hear you when you have no words. HE is right beside you when you are alone in a crowd. HE will speak when you cannot hear another word from anyone. HE will hold you when you cannot bear to be touched. And HE will always dry your tears, no matter how many times you shed them every day. And when your body fails? Jesus won’t fail you and HE will never, ever let you down.
I am coping because of HIM! HE is faithful! HIS grace is sufficient! ALWAYS!! Don’t just lean ON HIM, lean INTO HIM! I love you but Jesus loves you more!