Give Me This Day

Sometimes we are so busy looking to the future we look right past this day. THIS is the day the Lord hath made! THIS day we need daily bread. THIS day we need to forgive and be forgiven. THIS day we need Jesus. Let us be thankful for THIS day the Lord has given us. Sufficient are the problems for tomorrow so Lord, give me this day, and I will serve YOU with gladness!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/givemethisday/

This is my group address on fb and I am now doing some vlogs. The journey continues! Feel free to join our group!

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Perfect Your Stance

Your stance is your posture when you stand. We use the word in reference to how our bodies stand so we can engage during sports or even combat. Figuratively, if we take a stance, we are taking a position for or against something. For instance, if I take a stance on a contentious issue, it means I believe strongly, one way or the other, for or against. If I take an unpopular stance, I’m going to need some strong arguments to hold my position. “Stance” comes from the Italian “stanza” which means stopping place. French origin means abode and Spanish interprets to dwelling. This position I’m taking, my stance, is where I will be. I will not move. My stance will not change on a matter. My decision has been made. My stopping place.

Every sport has a “stance”. They take a certain position in order to gain the most effective outcome of the energy and expertise they are about to expend. They spend hours strengthening their legs and their cores in order to strengthen their stance. Once they take that stance on the field of their choice, if they are the best, they are going to win. It’s all about the STAND. It’s all about how you plant yourself.

My stance of recent months has been all over the place. The slightest breeze knocks me flat. I don’t stay down. I get back up. If life bumps me, I’m back in a heap and getting back up and dusting myself off. I have been working on strengthening my spiritual legs, my weakened faith, and my “I can’t win!” mentality. But this year has not only knocked me flat, it’s taking everything I have and more to get back on my feet again.

I am in a cycle of physical testing right now that has left me shocked and surprised a couple of times a week, it seems. Assigning more tests, more specialists, more appointments, more money, more time, more frustration, more in need of perfecting my stance.

“We need to run a scan.”

“We need more labs.” And more labs. And more labs.

“We need a new specialist.”

“We need an MRI.”

“We need an ultrasound.”

“We need an EEG.”

“We need a balance assessment.” Well, duh! You keep knocking me off my feet!

“We need cognitive and reasoning assessment.”

“We need another specialist.” And then….

“We’ll need to do a biopsy.” I didn’t just hit the floor, I went through the floor. I dug a deep imprint with that one. No! No! No! You just took a stance on my cleared, perfect, in remission for 6 years, field. No!

I am going to interject something here. I had this blog pretty well finished on Monday, but in talking to a friend late last night and talking about the games the devil plays with our minds I likened it to being an abuse victim. The one thing most have in common, is when the abuser backs off, they are lulled into a false sense of security that the abuse has stopped. Life gets back to normal as it is known and then, “Wham!”, you are being beaten again. Then the abuser backs off, you take a deep breath, believe it will never happen again, until it does. That is exactly how the devil comes after us. A few hits, he backs off, and we thank God that storm has passed. Then he’s back and slamming us with something else, and when it passes, we take a deep breath, thank God, and get back up. He toys with us, one day at a time, one fight at a time, one blow at a time, until we are completely and utterly depleted and cannot stand one more onslaught. We are weary in well-doing. We fall short of the finish line. We are bed-ridden emotionally, broken physically, and weakened spiritually.

When I got off the phone with the docs office on yesterday, my daughter was here, and I probed her knowledge base about “abnormalities”, while trying to not relay any emotional feeling about the call one way or the other. My baby grands were here and I was as calm as a sea of glass on the outside, but my insides were roiling. That sea of glass was pure liquid and the wind roiled it precariously.

But God! “Perfect Your Stance!” HUH? “Perfect Your Stance.”

I thought about that for a few hours and prayed. About 2 in the morning, I went into the dining table and opened my Bible to Ephesians 6. You know the passage. The whole armour of God. I have done studies before on each piece. I know the history of each piece, why and how it is used. However, verse 13, ” Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. (14) Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;” in all honesty has been a hurried passage for me. When I read it before, I kind of read it like one run-on sentence or verse, “Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; ” and on to the rest of the armour. There is a definitive comma before the first “stand”, followed by a period in the King James Version, which is my personal preference.

“…. and having done all, to stand.” This is what struck me. Revelatory. Past tense. Having done all! That’s past tense. So Paul is writing this letter to the church in Ephesus and he is writing it from prison. I think he knows a thing or two about perfecting his stance. He writes that if you have already done the following to protect yourself from satan, you will stand, PERIOD. Then goes on to tell them how to do so. I have read this passage and never noticed the context of the verses. Do this and you will find that you have withstood. Simple.

No, it’s not simple. It’s hard. The devil is cunning, He knows your weaknesses. He knows your strengths. He sees a lot more of what we do and hears what we speak and uses it all to his gain. His ultimate battle plan is against Jesus Christ and his strategy is to pick each of us off, one at a time. If he can weaken our stance? He can kick us while we’re down. So how do we stand? How do we perfect our stance? We must first kneel.

I was down and being kicked repeatedly. So weak in mind, body and spirit that I could not find my bootstraps in order to pull myself up. I rolled to my knees in prayer and the Lord began to minister to me. I groaned and HE listened. He whispered and I felt peace. I wept and HE held me. HE held me and I received comfort. I talked and HE spoke to me and directed me in tenderness. HE didn’t scold, or beat, or shame me. He simply directed me. “Perfect Your Stance.”

When we pray, it is a humbling and amazing time, it is a time of refreshing, it can be challenging, it can be fearful, but it is always fruitful! No matter what we have to talk to Jesus about, first and foremost, we will feel HIS love. No matter what! It matters not what you have done, how embarrassing or bad it was, HE stands ready with open arms and a forgiveness never experienced in this life. It matters not the confession. It matters not the request. It matters not the failure. It matter not the problem. The only thing that matters is that you are talking to the ONE who knows you better than anyone, because HE created you and has seen your entire life and yet HE loves you with unending love! Prayer to a Christian is like breathe in our lungs. We must breathe in order to live and grow strong in our stance. Pray continually. Pray without ceasing. Just like breathing.

Next comes the Word of God. Your Bible. It is the substance that provides the nutrients to our walk with the Lord. “When Your words came, I ate them: they were my joy and my heart’s delight.” Jeremiah 15:16  Spending time in the Word is like sitting down to a meal with God. Daily growing in wisdom and knowledge. If not you will grow weaker and eventually starve spiritually.

And last, but not least, exercise. To perfect a stance, strengthening those muscles is important. Remember the story in Luke the 8th chapter when the disciples went into the storm on the water? Jesus was resting and they awakened HIM in a panic and HE said to them, “Where is your faith?” They had seen display after display of the ability of Jesus to perform the miraculous, yet were seized with panic. Here is the part that is almost humorous about this event. They apparently forgot that Jesus was the one who directed them into this storm. They followed HIM, yet forgot HIS power and ability, and failed to exercise what they knew about GOD HIMSELF.

We have to put into practice everything we learn in prayer and in studying the word, in order to perfect our stance in the time of trouble. We will never be more than conquerors, laying in the mud, wallowing in self-pity, or feeling overwhelmed by life in general. You stand, you make the decision to be permanent in residence, to not give up ground, to not flinch or fall, by understanding that our faith must be in HIM and not in our own ability. We are pathetic specimens compared to HIM. But HIS Sovereign nature means HE can not ever be forced to do something HE does not or will not do. We can trust HIS ability to do a thing, but must also embrace HIS will in the matter. Faith follows HIM, believes HIM, trusts HIM. So if HE is directing you to do something, do it! Know HIS abilities and remember them. And know HE will see you through it in HIS time and in HIS way that will work for your ultimate good.

That is the moment you can give the devil a fist-pie in the eye! KO the abuser.

Perfecting my stance is about rededicating my life to HIM in ways I have never seen or done before. Perfecting my stance is about putting the brakes on spiritually wobbly legs, weak faith, and a “I can’t win!” mentality.

…..BUT GOD! …..WITH GOD! …..FOR GOD!!

Let’s begin….

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Free to be ME?

It’s a wee bit passed five in the am and the words are coming fast and furious, so while hubs is getting ready for work, I’m gonna blog this outta the park. Oh, dear, i said fast and furious? Someone not so friendly is prolly lookin up the number of some fed red tape maker, to let them know a certain someone she has heard of may have just done a litle trademark infringement….. “Um, I don’t mean to git anyone in trouble, but someone I’ve heard of, has just used “Fast and Furious” as a term in her blog and Im just surtain Vin owns that. Can she be arrested? Well, I certainly wouldn’t want that, ya know? Do you need her address or anythin?”

Anyway, back to the words comeing fast and not so furious! (Just so not to offend). Haha. Freedom isn’t something that should ever be taken for granted under an circumstance. It is beutiful, life changing, God given, and priceless. I took it for granted. Yes, i did. Until I no longer had all the freedom I had before Early-onset Alzheimer’s came to live with me. I know all the changes have been because i am loved and the docs and my family set things up as they do to keep me procted from my self and others who coud take advantige of me. I appreciate the perims on that side of it but somedays hate the limits and all days hate the disease.

I was thanking God this morning for the things I can still do and one of the things that came up to my mind was making out the grocery list and then i laughed out loud, right in the mist of talkin with Jesus! Have I no shame??? I have 4 pack containers of tuna stacked in the People’s pantry. Called that because it’s always open to my children to come by and stock up whenever they are running a little short before payday or if tey jus wanna whip up ameal while theyre here, or see something they want to take with them that they hadn’t thought of in a while. We have the Family Freezer in the garage, for the plundering, too. When they were young we had only biscuits with mustard for days on end, so yeh, i’m still gonna feed them every chance i get. I am not an advocate of shoving them out of my house when they turn 18 and teling them to sink or swim. I still ask them to move home and bring their families with them. Tim has always told them we’ll buy a compound and house them all if they wanna come home. My doors are always open to all my babes day or not. It’s how I roll and rock.

Hang on. Gotta get a cuppa. Coffe in, Miss Shiloh out and now eating, shared kisses with my beloved and Im back, betcha missed me firercely, yes? Hang on again. I have to go back and read cause i have no idea what i wanted to share with you. Tuna! We eat very little canned tuna which is why i think its funny. maybe tuna salad a couple of times a year, some cold tuna mac in the summer, maybe tuna noodle once a year? But 12 cans in the pantry with another four pack waiting to be picked up at the store. What’s with the tuna?? And the miracle whip and the relish? Maybe I could slip a few cans of tuna in my son’s packpack or my daughter’s purse, she likes those oversized bags lik i do. But if I start throwing in jusgs of miracle whips and relis theyre def gonna notice the weight change in thwir carriage.

So while I am thankful for the ability to do some things, maybe a few more freedoms should be policed. My husband is too sweet and loving to ever tell me to cut back on the tuna, but i am feeling brilliant today and I guess that’s why I relaized i have too much tuna. Goona donate to the food pantry. Maybe do a through clean out and see what else i mistankenly stock piled. Oh, I prolly should not put tuner in with my kids stuff. They carry thier, laptops, kindles, ipads, and sundry other techtonics and tuna has mercury. That might overload the toxicity we hear so much about. I wonder…..

Mercury, the material not the planet is harmful in larger doese. Ya know if you did not live back in the day, and ifn you don’t know when that was I’m not given you a time frame, you missed a lot of fun. Playing outside until the street lights came on was such a privelige. Kicking a can down the street, non soda cause those were bottles, without anyone yelling for you to recycle that or stop making such a ruckus, drinking from the water hose without fear of certain death, drawing pictures in the dirt with tree limbs, meeting up with neighborhood kids to play at the school playground which was the best playground around, sharing one sucker with you best friend without worry of germs, turning a white bar of soap brown when you washed your hands before eating, peeling off layers of wet cold clothes and stakcing them on the rug by the door in the winter when you came in to go to the bathroom, then putting them back on to go out for a few more minutes before bed and bath time, when thermometers were glass and had these fun little balls of mercury in them if you accedently whacked them on something while shaking them down in order to take your temp to see if maybe you could miss a day of school.

Chasing those little balls around while “cleaning” them up was great times of entertainment! Nowadays, it takes a space suit and hazmat rules if you come in contact with mercury, but back in the day? Not so much. I am in no way advocating playing with mercury God forbid. Hear lies the point of the blog. Am I so brilliant today that I have solved the mystery behind the rapid increase in E-o A? I think someone should conduct a survery to see if all of us touched one of those little mercury balls when we were young and had true childhood freedom. The survey must be very suspicfit. “Did you attempt to pick up a ball of mercury from a broken thermneter when you were between the ages of 5-7?” If in my moment of clarity and brilliance this morning, I have solved this hateful, miserable, life-destroying disease, please make all checks payable to my husband, and our church. Not exactly the lottery, but a bit of a laugh for those who know who that line is for if he reads this blog. haha

If as you read this light herted blog and think maybe I have to much time on my hands? Sure do. And not evough brain wattage to fill it anymore. But that’s life for now, and I’m thankful for the freedoms I do have. Still free to be me.

Enjoy this day the Lord hath made, y’all!

Posted in Alzheimer's, Alzheimer's Awareness, Early-onset Alzheimer's, Finding Your Way, Grief Living | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Finding Familiar

Ther are days when nothing is familiar. Every thing feels foreign and wrong. I look in miror and want me to come back because I miss familiar. But God really does hav ever thing in His control.

My brain works diffrently now and find ways to make unfamilar familiar. It is strangly comforting to me while anoying to others i think. An ezample would be the new git up dance change. I have found many versions of the chalenge on utube. I play each of them over and over and then although it is the same song and dance, and new, I have made it a comfort. Not that I partly care for the song and dance, but serch for ways to familarize any thing.

I dont remember the books of the Bible in order so when I open my bible to read wherever and then thin of another scriptur i want to read I cant find that. I am got to find a way to do the knowing books of the Bible again, but know there must be way for that to be right.

Some times things i know i no wont come back but God, in cration, crated our brains to do amaazing. when i lose something i cant remember where iwas last to find it but then when I find it, i may not rember i ever lost it. that fact makes me smile. I enjoy finding some thing new until some one said I had it for five years. i dont want to know. i want to enjoy my new.

It takes a while some times to say what im thinking but give time and i can. if i hurry then it goes away so i no to take time to find words to say and finish. some days are easy but some days very hard for words. now is very hard for words to come to say my thinking.

Erly onset Alzhimers is not nice. it is hard and it is painful on that mind but patiets is my friend. If some one is patient to let me find words i can visit even on hard times. I am thanksful for that so much. I am finding a work round to make unfamiliar familar.

I am finding familar.

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43 Years Ago Today

On Sunday July 4th, 1976, America’s Bicentinial, I met the lov fo my life. God had or destine in HIS hands and joined our hands together. The following day on Monday, our familys and frends celebrated with a picnic. I had butterflys in my stomach from excitement the whole time we walked down by the creek in Highland Park, exchanging info about ourselves and getting to know one another.

On July 22nd, which was a Thursday, he put a Pepis Pop Tab on my finger and ask me to go steady. I still have that precious ring/pop tab. On September 22nd, as I sat on the washing machine in the laundry, he asked me to marry him and I joyfully accepted. We were wed on Decmber 18th, 1976.

It has been an adventrue and God has blessed us with mercy and grace every day. Tim is the best gift I ever received, followed by 3 amaze children and 7 beautifull baby grands, all delihtfull gifts from the Lord.

God saw this day coming from the beginning and knew exactly what I would need. HE gave it to me 43 years ago. I knew this gift was precious all those yars ago bit had no ide just how precious.

The othre day the song “Dance” by Dave Koz came up on our playlist. Tim wrapped me up in his arms and swayed slowly as he sang in my ear:

“Looking back on the memory of
The dance we’d shared underneath the star above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you would ever say goodbye

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance, the dance
I would have missed the dance, the dance
I would have missed the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, oh, wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
They used to say, you know
I might have changed it all

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance, the dance
I would have missed the dance, the dance
I would have missed the dance

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance

Yes, our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance
Oh, the dance

Sing, the dance
I said I would have missed the dance, the dance
Said I would have missed the dance, the dance
Said I would have missed the dance, the dance, dance
Said I would have missed the dance”

I new with compelte surety he meant every word he sang to me. I also knew that God had been faithfull all long to grant my heart’s desire to be loved and cherished as only Tim could have done. I am blessed every day, no matter what. I have no regrets and would not change a single thing about our live together. Through it all, God has protected, sustained, and loved us.

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Without A Single Doubt

I am a believer and chaser of Jesus Christ. I believe in every single Word of the Bible. I do not have a single doubt in the truth and veracity of HIS Word, and without a single doubt I know HE heals!

Jesus heals instantly as HE did with the man with a skin disease in Matthew 8. He touched the man physically and he was healed just that quickly. In the same chapter, HE healed an Officer’s servant by sending the word. He healed the lepers as they walked away on their journey.

In the Old Testament, King Naaman had to wash (dip) seven times in the nasty Jordan River for his healing. HE also heals in the moment we are absent in the body and present with the Lord. The point is that it remains HIS will, HIS time, HIS way.

I have experienced and witnessed many miraculous healings. Oh, the glory and power of that moment in time. The joy and the absolute pleasure of renewal in a body is an experience that compares to no other. It is pure GOD! The greatest statement of support for the miraculous is when the doctor says, “Only God could have done this!”

Here’s the thang ~ If you are not healed miraculously, it does not mean you have no faith or that you will not be healed. Believe me, according to HIS Word, you will be healed. You may not know it yet, but like the servant, the Word may have already be sent and you’re healing is happening. You may be walking your way to your healing like the lepers. Or you may have some nasty days ahead of you as you obey the Word of the Lord and remain faithful through the process. And finally, you may be healed as you leave this world behind to worship at HIS feet in Heaven.

No matter, without a single doubt, healing is coming. I do not choose how HE does what HE does and neither do you. I simply pray, “Have YOUR will in my life”, and then move on to pray for others. There was a time when I used to use all my energy praying for miracles until I was exhausted. God sent me on a journey that had me battling cancer for a total of six years. That beast wore me out physically, mentally, emotionally, and because in the first months my focus was on being healed, it exhausted me spiritually. I had nothing after the first year. Once I released it all to God and HIS perfect will in my life, I surrendered to HIM, I began to find a place of renewal in my spirit, HIS strength became my strength, and I could physically and emotionally battle that beast to it’s death.

I am only asking God for the strength, HIS strength to get through each days. Some days are massive confusion and lost times, other days are clear and joyful. But every day, HE is right beside me, giving me this day and I humbly and gratefully accept that from HIM. I do not know or really care so much how HE heals me or when. What I need, want, ask from HIM, is this day. I need HIM. I need HIS presence. I need HIS voice. HIS wisdom. HIS Spirit. HIS strength. HIS love.

I need HIM to help me with my faith every day. I want it to grow beyond anything I have ever experienced and HE is doing that for me. HE is growing my faith by remaining present with me. He has taken the nightmare I was having for nights on end. HE has given me a fresh scripture every day. Not a new scripture, but allowing me to see something new in that same scripture. HE has given me a new idea, something I have not had for months. HE is remaining faithful and THAT grows my faith that HE will remain faithful no matter how nasty the river may be that I have to step into in this life. I will follow where HE leads because HIS will is what I desire most.

I know there are many who do not understand my belief on this matter, but I am more than okay with their feelings. It is God I want to please. I will follow wherever HE leads and I have spent enough time in my life following HIM while sometimes, kicking and screaming the whole way. Not this time. Not this journey.

Without a single doubt, I know I am in HIS will, walking one day at a time as HE gives it to me. I am at peace. HE is faithful. ALWAYS!

I love you but Jesus loves you even more.

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The House That Will Never Be Home

We currently live in a beautiful home. We bought this home, first time home owners, about 3 years ago. We had been married for forty years and never owned, only rented. We were never really interested in owning a home and our credit would have never allowed it in the early years. God has been blessing us over the past several years and one day out of the blue my hubby told me we had an appointment to go look at some property and decide if we would like to have a home built there. It was almost too easy when I look back at our history.

Our first home when we got married was a small house on a large corner lot. The kitchen was very small and when we turned on the gas stove, we had about 3 seconds to exit the back door which was about two feet away from the stove. We could watch through the storm door as the door of the oven would blow open and flames shoot out. Then we went back in and all was well. Someone sat down in one of the chairs at our kitchen dinette one day and the leg went clean through the floor. The small house had two bedrooms, but the back bedroom had a fence that went up to the back half of the bedroom and started up again on the other side of that bedroom. The house was partially sitting on the neighbor’s lot and when he fenced his yard, he fenced right up to his property line instead of allowing that extra four feet. One Saturday morning we were awakened at 7 a.m. to someone using a power saw and sawing through the walls of that back room.

Believe it or not, that home was a jewel compared to some of our future homes. We struggled financially for years. The one thing my husband always told me was that I made every house a home that he was proud to come home to every evening. Believe me, it was not easy. For a time, we were homeless, and a sweet older lady let us move into her little motel and pay what we could as we could. We had one room with two double beds, and a bathroom, and three teenagers at the time. We ate a lot of ramen made with a coffee pot! But even there, I would put things in the room that made it ‘ours’ in the interim.

We now own a four bedroom, two bath home in a new housing edition. We are still working to get the backyard just the way we want it, but it is perfectly ‘HOME’. For the last two weeks, I have dreamed every night but one night about a much different house. It is ramshackle in the beginning with some jewels of bygone eras found here and there and I have fought to save them. We plan out everything we want to do and call a company to come in and do the work. There are moments of hilarity, moments of total confusion, and moments of recovery every night, same house. Then on the last night of the first week of dreaming of this house, everything shifted.

We threw a big outdoor bbq and everyone showed up to celebrate. Friends we have not seen for years were there. Family who had passed away so many years ago were there. More recent and loved friends all were there together, laughing and chatting. It seemed to be a great party. But then in the middle of that dream everything shifted and some of the folks got ugly. I was thrown back into the pain of my childhood and woke up crying and in terrible heart-pain.

I begged God for no more dreams about that house and that night did not dream at all that I know of. But the next night, and for the past five nights it has been the house again. Folks began breaking into our home to the point that I could no longer lock the doors. Each night the house deteriorated back to the point it was when we moved in and for the last two nights has gone so far beyond that point.

Last night, I dreamed there were slugs and centipedes everywhere. Walls, ceiling, furniture, light features, blinds. I was using flyswatters and paper towels and carrying around a box of salt, in attempt to get them all out of the house. I walked into the kitchen, turned on the light and there were rats having babies in the middle of the room. Hundreds of them. Baby bunnies and baby kittens were laying around with the baby rats, and I was trying to get them all outside to the lawn. Large raccoons wandered into the room and I grabbed a broom and was trying to shove them out.

I then heard these creaking sound and looked up and the ceiling over the dining room of this house was half gone and the other half was sagging terrible and I could see a set of large bare feet up there. Suddenly, the ceiling sagged further as the guy sat up and thanked me for letting him live up there with all his animals. He was scary looking and I knew that’s why all these animals were suddenly in my house. I was trying furiously how to ask him nicely to move on, when I realized one the rats I was trying to get out of my house was giving birth to more rats in my hands while I was carrying her out to the yard. There was so much chaos and fear, I was screaming and screaming for help but no one could hear me.

I would fight to wake up, knowing it was a dream, know that I was home safe, drift back off right into the midst of the nightmare again. Last night may have cured me from ever onting to sleep again in my life. For two weeks, save one night, I have run the gamut from moving into a fixer-upper to need someone to come and do a blower-upper. I wish I knew if there was any meaning to it or if it’s just another nightmare or if it’s Alzheimer’s related. What I do know if I want it, need it to be gone forever.

My brain feels scrambled this morning. I am so confused and upset by this ongoing dream that I do not know what to do with myself. I started out to make it a home but now despise it’s very existence in my sleep. I don’t know if there is a message her or not, but if it’s medicine induced, I will be med free. If it’s ALZ related, somebody better fix something fast in my brain. I cannot take another night of this dream.

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